Life with Ava

Got another letter from our (I can almost say former) adoption agency. This one was congratulating us on completing Ava's readoption which, by the way, is for the readoption they told us we needed to have an attorney to do and oh, by the way again, they just happened to have one they could recommend.

Sorry, I digress. My bitterness is showing.

This letter was sent not only to congratulate us but also to let us know that we can now apply for both a Virginia birth certificate AND a social security card. I'm so glad they advised us of this, especially since a vital records request was required by the court as an accompaniment to the adoption petition AND since we already have a social security card for Ava that was obtained shortly after we returned from China. Gosh, I just knew all of my time spent educating myself on the processes and seeking my own answers would be fruitless since I have the Bethany team looking out for us and providing such accurate information.

Oh yeah, and they want us to know it would be their pleasure to assist us with any future adoptions. I do hope they're holding their breath while they wait for my call - which will be made to them shortly after hell freezes over. Oh wait, that already happened when I bought the country CD so I guess they'll have to wait until after pigs fly.

The sarcasm is coming through loud and clear, right?

But. I was so very happy to see another survey also included in the envelope. I attacked it with glee, proudly wrote my name in big letters on the top of the page (no anonymous comments from me), and covered the measly remarks area as well as the back side of the page with my reasons for the ratings that I gave.

I doubt they'll listen.

I am amazed, however, at the difference in quality of services provided by our new agency. I know we're just beginning and are still in the honeymoon phase, but man-oh-man. Just the information provided and the presentation of said information is light years beyond what we ever got from Bethany and that pisses me off all over again because I see how much easier Bethany could make it on their clients if they wanted to.

On another note, I owe several folks some return emails so if you've emailed me through the blog recently please know that I have not forgotten anyone and am not purposely being rude. I am in my very busiest time of the year at work and won't see the light of day for another 2 weeks. December 6th is the light at the end of the tunnel when I hope to learn what sleep is again and to not feel like I'm pedaling 100mph and still getting nowhere fast.

It's so good to be home.

And there were some lovely things (other than J and Ava) waiting for me when I arrived.

1. J installed a propane fireplace log set while I was away. We bought this on clearance about 4 years ago and it's been sitting in our closet ever since. Due to J's diligent efforts while I was away we had a fire tonight. It was so warm that it put me to sleep in about 4 seconds.

2. Ava's readoption papers came letting us know that the judge signed the finalization papers on Monday. So now the Commomwealth says that she is well and truly ours and we can get a certificate of foreign birth issued listing J and I as her parents. This is a pretty big deal for all of us so we're pretty stoked. Not to mention the glow of pride knowing that I succesfully managed all of the paperwork myself and saved us hundreds and hundreds of dollars by not hiring an attorney.

And now, goodnight y'all, 'cause I'm going to sleep. I can't wait to curl up in my own bed (Tempurpedic ROCKS!) and sleep in later than 530AM for a change.

CCAI notified us today that our application to adopt has been accepted and we can now officially start assembling our dossier. I've been in contact with a homestudy agency and J's homework this weekend is to update his autobiography so we can get the homestudy underway.

This process is going to be way harder this time due to the new USCIS regulations implemented in order to be Hague compliant. Our immigration approval took about 2 months last time (and that was with them messing up and filing our fingerprints incorrectly). We've been told to expect at least 4 months for processing this time and to plan for at least 6 months to completely assemble our dossier. We already know we're going to run into challenges even before we get to the USCIS point, though. A new requirement is that we have to provide a child abuse registry check for every address/location either of us has lived in since the age of 18. Trust me when I tell you that between us we've lived in more than our share of states and countries - meaning that it is going to take forever to get all of this AND it's not going to be easy.

I'm so dreading this part of the process.

On another note, J and I received our criminal records checks yesterday so I went by the courthouse today to drop those off with the judge for Ava's readoption. It's the only thing he asked for in his last letter so I'm hoping that what we've provided will be sufficient for the final order of adoption to be issued. I'm ready to be done with this, too.

So far we have exactly one item needed for the dossier and that would be J's birth certificate. Zip, nada, nothing else. Oh wait - that's a lie. I did have a physical today so we can use that, too. Progress measured in baby steps, right?

I don't know what I thought our Gotcha Day would be like. I really had no idea what to expect, beyond watching some of the heavily edited videos on YouTube and seeing China's Lost Girls, but I did prepare a list of questions that I wanted to ask the orphanage director and/or the ayis who brought the girls (4 of them in our group) to the provincial adoption office. But I never asked any of those questions because the minute I laid eyes on Ava everything else became background noise and I was totally focused on her. The orphanage director even came over to speak with us directly because he wanted to let us know that Ava was sick and her medicine was in a bag they'd prepared for her and I barely even listened as I was 110% engrossed in the wonders of this little person. The director and nannies disappeared shortly thereafter as the winter storms were very bad and they had a long drive back to the SWI.

I've regretted missing that moment, of course. There were questions I wanted to ask for Ava's sake and I felt I let her down in letting that opportunity slip by. We also did not have the opportunity to visit the SWI or her finding spot due to the terrible winter storm that was bearing down on China.

So, shortly after our return (actually I started working it while we were in China) we were allowed the opportunity to participate in a roots research program run by a well respected member of the adoption community here in the US. She was born in China and spent many years working in Hubei province before immigrating to the US. She's maintained very close ties to that area and visits several times a year. A group of parents with children from this particular SWI banded together and hired her to seek out more info for and about our daughters. This took some time, as you can imagine, and we only today received the complete report. There were no promises on what info, if any, they could find out and we were only guaranteed photos of the finding place if it still existed and snapshots of her town and what daily life is like there.

After our referral we'd sent a care package to the SWI - not knowing whether Ava would receive it or not. She did. We received several items back in nearly pristine condition (the toy and blanket we'd sent) but the baby photo album was not returned. We have no idea if Ava ever saw it or not but I'm glad we sent it as the foster mom surely did. The best part, though, was the disposable camera that was returned to us. It held a variety of pictures of a private home and street, as well as one picture of an older female. There were also several photos taken of the SWI and the surrounding grounds. We, of course, could only assume that the woman was her foster mother. We did know that the home was the foster family's as there were also photos given to us by the orphanage that showed some of the same furniture. We sent copies of these photos to our researcher to assist in her search along with updated photos of Ava and letters to both the orphanage director and her foster family.

We've anxiously awaited the receipt of this packet of information - but once it came today I was really afraid to open it up. It almost felt like Pandora's box, if you will. Once you know something you can't un-know it, ya know?

So I read the prepared report about my little one and I looked at the pictures of the place where she was abandoned and subsequently found - and my heart shattered for her at the pain and injustice of it all. I immediately came to a new realization and understanding of what happened to her at only a few days old. Adoption is so hard in some ways. Loss and heartache on one side and so, so much joy and gratification on the other that it's hard to reconcile those two sides of the same coin. And if I can hardly process this as an adult affected by adoption in only positive ways then how on earth am I supposed to help Ava understand as a child and as she grows into an adult? That said, it's certainly given me a new perspective on Ava and the resilience and strength that she's demonstrated in her life so I have faith that she'll be able to digest this information when and how she's supposed to.

We got some hoped for information. I now have a name and some details of her foster family and her life with them. They've expressed how much they adored her and how grateful they were to receive updated pictures of Xiao Bei with her family here in the US. Her foster mom did not provide a mailing address as she's still fostering other children and is very cognizant of the CCAA's rules prohibiting direct contact between adoptive and foster families. I'm disappointed by this but will certainly respect her concerns and position. She does have our intermediaries contact information if she chooses to make contact. BTW, the older woman pictured was Ava's foster grandma who lives with the foster family so we now have photos of both women who were so critical in Ava's early months. They shaped her into the loving, confident, and easily adaptable baby we met 9 months ago and I can never thank them enough for the love and care they gave to Ava. Our family will make it a point to remember them on holidays as much as we can (we just sent mooncakes for the Moon Festival last month). I'm also very confident than anything we send to them care of the SWI will be delivered.

We now know her finding site was specfically chosen so that she would be found quickly. Whoever placed her there ran a big risk of being discovered so it eases something for me in that I'll be able to tell Ava that her birthparents wanted her to be found and seriously risked discovery (in a big way) with the spot they chose. I hope that helps her understand that she was cared for even in that situation. We also now have pictures to illustrate this.

We got some not so pleasant information. It seems the owner of the place where she was found doesn't even remember a baby being left there in 2007. It hurts my heart that he can't even recall what, to me and to Ava, was such a momentous event. The director also can't remember the specifics of Ava's intake into the SWI. Too many babies, he said, to remember all of them.

And we got a lot of avoidance and no's. No, we can't have a copy of her orphanage file. No, there is no finder information. No, we can't access the police report. No, there is nothing that they can give us. No, we can't answer all the questions because we are very busy. No, no, no.

I'm glad we have this additional info for Ava and it was worth every single penny that it cost us. I just didn't fully realize the impact this would have on me and will have on Ava. I hope it helps. At the very least I hope it will show her that we tried and will continue trying to keep those links open and available to her.

Time speeds up when you have kids, doesn't it?

It's hard to believe that it's been 7 months since Ava joined our family - seems like she's been with us forever and yet it also seems like it was only yesterday that we were in China.

This photo was taken by our friends on January 22nd, only minutes after finalizing Ava's adoption. They shared the photo with us a few months after we returned home and it was such a (wonderful) surprise to see it as I had absolutely no recollection of any photos being taken. We were the first in our group to do the paperwork and interview so we didn't have time to coordinate photo duties before we found ourselves in the midst of the official proceedings.

The gentleman in the photo with us was our facilitator, Eric. Awesome guy. Coincidentally, I found his email address while sorting through some paperwork today. He'd written it on the back of one of our airline tickets as we were leaving Wuhan and I thought I'd lost it so I'm pretty happy that it turned up again.